Yep, that is what they call me. At least my husband and my astrologer do. My astrologer once told me that my life would be a series of calamities and that is how I learn stuff. I think it’s true. Apparently, I missed the Easy Button.
I seem to stumble rather blindly from one drama to another and it always looks to me like I am not starting any of it. (Did I pull the trigger? Whoopsie!) I finally realized that my unconscious tendency to create chaos is how I sabotage myself.
We all have an inner saboteur and they are as fun as a barrel full of monkeys. Carolyn Myss talks about this in her masterpiece “Sacred Contracts.” She gives all of us four “survival” archetypes. They are the ones that are hardwired into us as children to help us survive the often hostile terrain of our youths. We all get The Child, The Victim, The Prostitute and of course, The Saboteur.
They are all a party, I can tell you and I am sure they all deserve blogs of their own, (Hey, good idea and that might be the end to my blogstipation!) but I have really been seeing The Saboteur in action lately, both in me and around me.
I have been in the middle of a big level up in my own life as I grow into new territory. It’s wonderful, exciting and also a little stretchy. My Psychic Self-Defense book is at the printer and will be done in the next week or two. Same with the new Meditation CD. (VERY exciting!)
As I got closer and closer to finishing it, the more I procrastinated. I doodled. Cleaned. Logged record breaking hours on Facebook. And mostly created more chaos in my life. It’s the best distraction ever! I could feel myself doing it and the closer I got to completing my goal, the more resistance I felt.
I was having those dreams when you are trying to run and you can’t move, like your feet are glued to the floor. And I felt like that whenever I came to a completion moment in real life too. I was going to pick up the finished master CD at the recording studio and had pretty much every breakdown I could dream up on the way. Migraine. Lost keys. Kid drama. Husband drama. Dog and cat drama. I am surprised I didn’t wreck my car or burn my house down.
And I thought, why is this happening? I want this, right? I have been working all summer to get here. Now I am literally going to pop a gasket and have a nervous breakdown in the car on the way over.
It was Calamity Jane.
Why? It’s scary to change things! Some part of me was afraid and resistant to put the final pieces in place since once I published my book, and CD I would be really visible. What if it sucks? What if everyone hates it and thinks it stupid? What if I fail? What if I succeed? Everyone will be looking at me, talking about it, having opinions. I got a gig to go on TV. (My pal Wendy’s local cable show- details later!) Everyone who is watching will see me and know a part of who I really am. Eeek! ON TV. WITH A BOOK.
As much as SOME of me wants this, there is another part of me that is scared. (See- Your Inner Child- Next blog!) My saboteur, Calamity Jane, bravely walked into the gap and did her best to blow up my project to protect my vulnerable and flipped out Inner Child.
Yee haaaa.
Fortunately for me, I was onto her by this point and got it done anyways.
It sure is interesting watching this dynamic in other people too. Right now, as we are gearing up for another year of the Healer Training Program, (Rhys Thomas Institute of Energy Medicine, where I am a co-founder and teacher.) Rhys and I spend a lot of time talking nervous students off the ledge. Once the energy of the school kicks in our students get all activated resistance mechanisms come out in force. I have noticed that The Saboteur kicks it harder when REAL change is possible, cuz REAL change can be threatening, and scary (the fear of the unknown). The vulnerable and usually unconscious parts really believe that you will have to give up, sacrifice or let go of something to actually change.
And you will. Sometimes you have to give up old ways of thinking, defensive patterns, old traumas and addictions from the past. We have to give up a lot, but mostly it’s all crap! The EGO is afraid that it will have to die for your consciousness to be born. And sometimes it does.
It whispers into your ear with a deadly conversation that goes something like this, “You don’t really want to change, you NEED me to protect you. Sure the same old pattern isn’t making you happy, or letting you live your fullest life, but at least we are still limping along. Change is bad and scary! The devil you know, right?”
And we listen. We believe that piffle to be true, we really do.
When our students get closer and closer to really being able to find themselves, learn about real intimacy and then take themselves out into the world, all that resistance gets stirred up and comes up as EXCUSES. Excuses are a favorite way for the saboteur to take control. It makes it so easy to give up and let your feet sink back into the mud when you have a perfectly good excuse.
I have heard them all, really. And felt them all myself.
- I can’t take all that time away from my family. My spouse’s head might explode if they had to take care of things for six whole weekends over a year.
- I can’t afford to spend all the time and money on ME. That would be selfish! What would people say?
- My personal fave– I’m too sick for healer school! (It’s HEALER school! We could probably heal that….)
- I’m too (fill in the blank) ________________ (tired, broke, unworthy, stressed, stupid, you know the list…)
- I don’t have enough (fill in the blank)____________ (time, money, help, energy, etc)
There are a dozen more, all equally silly, when you really think about it, since they are all just BELIEFS. Thoughts, in your head that create something real and solid out of nothing.
Not that people don’t have real things cuz they do, but a real life issue is not the same as an excuse. I have seen people deal easily with huge real life issues that you think would be deal breakers on getting them to do anything. But they make up their minds to be in the school- or do whatever and they do it. You know that person who is not going let a massive family or health issue stop them, they are the real inspirations in life. The ones who run marathons in wheel chairs, save the world even though they have the incurable disease, take on the world even though they have a handicapped loved one at home etc.
I am not saying we should all be Mother Theresa’s but I am simply noticing that those people have perfectly acceptable excuses for not participating in life and they do it anyways!
Of course you know, whatever excuse you use (like creating a lot of chaos for me) is what is preventing you from reaching your goals in all aspects of life. People come into our program to clear away the dross that prevents them from being, well… THEM. And all the shadowy, unconscious killjoys come out of the woodwork to spike their wheel and sabotage them.
Also, you guys get it that the more powerfully something can change you, the more scared and in resistance you will be, right? Think about it. All the BIG ONES in life scare the crap out of us. Getting married, having a baby, changing careers, relocating, healer school. All of those things lead to Cold Feet Syndrome like nothing else. And of course this is all SOUL STUFF.
Mostly, when your soul is talking to you, it’s not really showing up to remind you to take out the trash. Your SOUL wants you to move into deep water, out of your comfort zone and to grow and stretch. Your SOUL knows how to do these things in tricky sneaky ways that bypass the ego altogether.
I am pretty sure that is why sex is so much fun. It’s all a big trick to get you to have kids, since your ego is not really sure this whole parenting thing is a good idea, and if you really knew what you were getting yourself into, you might think twice. So yippee, sex is really fun and thankfully all the blood flows away from your brain to shut down the ego and your mind. This allows the gateway to the divine open for all the little people to come through. One of The Universe’s funnier cosmic jokes, I am sure.
Your SOUL is behind a lot of your “Seemed like a good idea at the time” decisions. Your SOUL, even though it loves you, is not going to pander to the petty fears of you insecure , timid and rabbbity unconscious and ego. Your SOUL, says, “That is nice dear, I get it that you are afraid, but time to get back up on the horse and try it again. You’ll have fun when you get going, I know it!”
And we do! Once we get over the fear, we love the juicy, yummy soul stuff. It’s what makes life rich and worth living. We love our pesky and troublesome little people. We love our juicy and rich soul mate relationships. We treasure our own accomplishments. We feel tremendous joy when the wall crumbles and we feel one with our own SOUL again. It’s an ecstatic experience, I recommend it on a daily basis!
We actually love Healer School and life too, when we remember not to be afraid. I truly believe that our biggest joys and successes in life come from when we stretch into this deep water and live from our soul, not buying into the fear based, limited thinking of the ego. Our wise old souls get us to step out of the mud and the swamp and do something cool with our precious lives, and sometimes we fight them every step of the way!
On your deathbed, are you going to proud that you spent most of 2009 watching Buffy and X-Files reruns? (Guilty as charged!) Or are you going to be proud of yourself for getting off the couch and doing something stretchy, new and different? Something soulish?
So watch how your saboteur shows up in your life. This is an assignment that I love to give to my clients and students. Write a timeline of every time and every way you sabotaged yourself right before you were about to achieve something worthwhile. (You know what I am talking about… You over there, one class shy of graduating from college… And you who can’t commit to the awesome partner you have, oh yeah! And hey you over there, about to drop out of HTP2, right when we getting into the deliciousness of real intimacy, which is just what you need and want more then anything! I am talking to you!)
When you get over the horror of it, it will be very educational. The Saboteur can’t operate in the light of your consciousness. Calamity Jane prefers the darkness of unconsciousness so no one can see what she is up to. Once you shine the light on that, the gig is up!
