I love Independence Day. I love freedom, flags and fireworks. I love watermelon, BBQ’s and the beach. I love the movie “Independence Day,” which I try and watch every year at this time. And I particularly love Will Smith punching an alien in the face and saying “Welcome to America!” (Don’t worry, this blog is about love, not aliens. I will get to the lovey part really soon, I promise.)
In truth, I am very patriotic. I thank service people for serving our country when I see them in uniform, and taught my kids to do the same. I know that freedom isn’t free and that it is hard won and dearly protected. The embarrassing truth is that I cry every time that I hear the National Anthem, which has proved to be very uncomfortable for my children, especially at their sports games.
My son stares suspiciously at me when the familiar strains of music start. I can’t help it.
“Mom!” he says out of the corner of his mouth, “Are you crying? Pull yourself together, sheesh!” <Teenage eye roll> I am sure that I am sore trial to my children.
But these days, I can’t seem to pull myself together. I cry at the drop of a hat, but not for the reason that you might think. Yesterday I watched the movie “Wall-e” with the above-mentioned teenage son and cried through that movie too, much to his mortification and his friend’s amusement.
So why the tearfulness? It’s not due to sadness or grief, quite the contrary. Let me see if I can explain this state of being that I find myself in. It’s rather difficult to put words on, actually. (This is where we get to the love part…)
I think it has to do with my own independence, my own personal Independence Day. My personal freedom has expanded into this very new place, so new that I am trying to get my head around it. I have come to a point of having gone so deep into the pain, anger and despair of my separation and divorce, that I have come out the other side into new realm.
I like being independent. And I don’t feel alone.
Or rather I do.
And yet, I don’t.
It all started when I was walking my dog in the woods and contemplating being alone. I know that even when I was married, and happily married, I was still fundamentally alone, at least in an existential way. No one else can get in your skin with you, married, partnered or not. Somehow we are all, in our deepest essence, alone. In that moment, in the woods with my dog, I really came to be at peace with that.
I might someday find another partner and companion and yet, I will still walk alone in the woods with my dog. There is a space inside us that is ours, never to be shared with another. It occurred to me that this is the domain of the soul. I find a deep and abiding comfort in this. It’s a private place where no matter what trials and tribulations happen down here on Planet Dirt, no other person, no trauma, or drama can ever touch it. It is our own soul, which has never been wounded, and never could be.
In that moment, in the woods with my dog, the truth of this hit me like a ton a bricks. My dog, bless him, is an excellent companion, but mostly I was there by myself but also with MYSELF. I felt the soulful, eternal core essence of me and my worldly personality merge into one being. I was there, with myself and had a odd sensation of a luminous being holding my own hand. Big Me, and little me were one.
In that moment of peace, my heart opened and expanded. It burst out through the walls of my chest, and out into the world, even to the edges of the cosmos. It was the most expanded I have ever felt in my life.
And suddenly, I knew I was not actually alone at all. I could feel EVERYTHING and it was all connected to me. Every tree and plant. Every blade of grass and bird in the wood. I am a part of a grand design, one note in the symphony of the universe. Everything is connected to everything else. Me too. Suddenly my dog, the woods and the world all snapped together and I was a part of it. Not alone at all, but a piece of the grand whole.
And both of these truths remained. I am always fundamentally alone no matter who I am with. And I am always intimately connected to everything, a part of a grander whole. I am about as alone as a cell in my body. And that is what I felt like, a little discrete being snuggled into a larger whole.
In that simultaneous experience, I found my independence.
Since then, I have not been the same. I feel my heart bursting with love for all things. I am in love with the world and myself. Divinely, beautifully in love. It’s the same giddy, ridiculous feeling of falling in love, but there is no other person attached to the other end of it. (Except that maybe it’s ALL other people.)
The lady at T.J.Maxx who sold me a truly inspiring pair of shoes. I LOVED her. And not because of the shoes. And the nice man who smiled at me. And my kids and family. Clients. Random people driving down the road. Love them. Love myself. It comes out like a goofy smile, or sometimes like tears. Yesterday I was driving home from the grocery store (ho hum!) and was literally brought to tears in my car no explainable reason except another love attack.
You can see why I was helpless in the face of the movie “Wall-e.” It’s robots who fall in love! They yearn for love and find it. The people who made the movie loved making it. It’s about loving the planet. The movie is about love and made of love. Love, love, love is the background of everything. The fabric from which we are made. Even the robots know.
I love the day, and the moment that I am in. It’s ALL GOOD. And I have felt this way for a couple of weeks now. If I forget about it for a moment or two, it only takes me a minute to tune back in. The world is amazingly, absolutely perfect just the way it is, in all its weird, crazy beauty. There is love in everything.
I feel it as an energy current throughout my whole body, a bit like being plugged into an outlet. It’s a pretty good current. Sometimes it feels like joy and bliss. Other times it simmers like peaceful contentment and equanimity. I feel the love. I am made of the love.
And so, my dears, are you.
I hope you enjoy your Independence Day. I hope you find your joy, bliss and peace on this day and every day. Lord knows, if I did, you can too!
