I am a total Goddess chick. I love the Goddess and she loves me. I am a high priestess and very proud to serve her in whatever small ways I can.
Having just attended a ritual getaway with my two best pals (Goddess in their own right, both of them) it occurred to me that maybe the pantheon of Goddesses might need an update.
Perhaps even a makeover.
After all, most of the Goddesses we worship these days are pretty old school. From way back in the Greek and Roman days. One of my above mentioned Goddess pals gave me a Goddess deck of cards the other day. I love it! It’s a real spin through the ages and different cultures. There are Native American, African, Asian and Celtic Goddesses.
But they all came from so long ago. I know working with the goddess energy is using archetypes and they have staying power. Maybe nothing has change at an archetypal level since the Goddesses all show us a primal face of female power.
The Madonna is the face of the sacrificing mother, the mother filled with love and grief. Kali is a force of destruction. There are fertility goddesses and ones who represent hearth and home. I don’t think much has really changed about being a woman, except maybe the outer wrappings and what us Goddesses think are hip.
So here is the new pantheon of Goddesses. All Hail!
Domestica
Goddess of Housewives . She is excellent at multitasking and is the patron saint of bagged lunches. Incur her wrath by leaving your socks on the floor. She announces her presence by a faint aroma of Lemon Pledge. You can invoke her by lighting a Yankee Candle and throwing a dinner party. She will be there to make sure all goes well! She will lend you grace with sick children, house guests and family gatherings at the Holidays.
Empira
Corporate Goddess of Mergers and Acquisitions. This firebrand succeeds like no one else in the dog eat dog corporate world. She has to do everything five times as good as men to just get by. She gets her people to do lunch with your people She is the Divine Corporate Climber and eats nails and smaller companies for breakfast. You can petition her to break the glass ceiling for you by sacrificing some underlings, coming in under budget and doing the job of three people without complaining.
Bambi the Stripper
She is modern day incarnation of Aphrodite. The power of the silicone perkies and shaved va-jay-jay is her thing and Jenna Jameson is her latest incarnation here on Earth. She is hyper fertile and gets pregnant just by being in the presence of men. She’ll do anything to please you but is ultimately remote and untouchable. You can’t really have her, all you can do is look. She never falls in love in fact she is fickle as anything but has a preference for rock stars and football players. Her cadre of bouncer bodyguards will break your legs if you dare touch her without her permission. If you want to invoke her, try pole dancing lessons. Getting a boob job will also curry her favor.
Tiffany
The Teen Goddess of Goth. This cool chick wears a little schoolgirl skirt with a ripped black tee shirt and enough eye makeup to blind a small country. She has piercings and tattoos that would make her mother cry, if she had one. She is the patron Goddess of “Whatever!” Her total self-absorption makes her invulnerable and impervious to pretty much anything. Call on her by shopping and gossiping when you really need to not care about anything. Prayers to her are best texted, idk, my bff Jill. ttyl. lol. Wateva.
Fashionista
Goddess of Shoes and Knock Off Designer Handbags. There are secret rituals done in the dark recess of the outlet malls that invoke this stylish Goddess. I can’t reveal more then this, except to tell you that when done correctly, the rituals will put you in the Shopping Zone where everything is suddenly 75% off. All Hail Fashonista!
Every pantheon has their Dark Goddesses too. These archetypes show us the shadow side of womanhood and we sometimes need to turn to them for healing, vengeance or retribution.
Lorena
Vengeance Goddess of Scorned Women Everywhere. She is a man’s worst ex nightmare. It begins slowly by her hacking into her ex’s email, stalking his place of work and talking trash about him all over town. Sleeping with his friends is next on her list. Her most destructive power is to spend all his money before the divorce is final. Real estate, expensive jewelry and plastic surgery are her favorites. But if someone really disses her, watch out for sharp objects around your private parts!
Personality Mangling Sista (PMS)
She comes only for a few days a month but she can be a beast. Her presence changes your personality utterly and through strong magicks, she can make you gain 100lbs overnight. (or at least feel like it). Puffiness, crankiness and emotional jags are her specialty. Foot rubs and heavy doses of chocolate, ice cream or fried foods can slack her appetite for destruction. Watch out for her true power- The Truth Telling. Somehow everything you REALLY think but are too polite to say during the other 26 days of the month sneaks out of your mouth when PMS visits. Oops!
Hellacia
Rock and Roll Goddess of the Underworld. She rocks with the Hell Band six months of the year and winter descends on us. Then she goes into rehab for 6 months and spring comes to the earth. Tattoos, beer and recreational drugs and super slutty clothes invoke her. She is a lot of fun but a multidimensional hangover is the price you pay for partying with Hellacia. You can totally avoid her by vacationing somewhere tropical all winter long! But, if you pay her homage, she might get you back stage passes.
And last but not least is…
Distractia
The Goddess of Facebook, myspace and Twitter. She is the ultimate time waster and twister. Patron Goddess of Other People’s Blogs and Facebook Quizzes, she gleefully cuts your productive time down to almost nothing, sucking 50 minutes out of an hour in a heart beat!
Drop me a line and let me hear your favorite modern Goddesses!
