A few months ago, I had a powerful lesson on the viral quality of hate, how anger and aggression can lead to more of that poison.
And also on how choosing love can create an even more powerful impact than hate ever can.
It all happened in the parking lot of a popular chain supermarket in Providence that shall remain nameless. (…It was Trader Joe’s…)
I had just got my new car, a big SUV. I mean really big. Like, it’s as big as a whale and it’s about to set sail big… I named her Pearl the White Whale.
I am not sure who designed the parking lot in there but …wow. The parking spaces are tight to each other it’s very difficult to see when you are backing up, since all the spaces are at weird angles. It was probably the same person who designed all the other highways and byways in Providence, which will make sense to you if you have ever driven around there. (I am talking to you 95 North….)
Anyway, my point is that it was a new, fairly huge car and I was still trying to figure out how big Pearl really was. As I was reversing, I backed into someone else who was also backing up …ting… we kissed bumpers.
We stopped and got out of our cars. At my bumper was a middle aged guy who was looking pretty angry.
“What the &$#* lady, you just backed into me!”
We both stared at the bumpers and nothing was there. Not a scratch.
“I think we backed into each other” I said, stating the obvious. “I am so sorry, it’s a new car and I don’t always know how big it is yet. Are you ok?” I asked.
“Jesus lady, you shoulda put on your blinkah!” He starting to turn red and sort of swell up and I could feel this wave of anger, rage and even hatred starting to pour off him.
Well… who uses their blinker in a parking lot when you are backing up? Also, who uses their blinker in Rhode Island?
In fact, I am pretty sure there is an unspoken law AGAINST using your blinkah. This goes along with the local road rules that prevent anyone from fully stopping at stop signs, as well as allowing you to turn left on red when no one is looking.
I point this out to him that there is no damage to either car and since we are pretty much blocking traffic in this nightmare of a parting lot, maybe we should move on.
“Oh yeah???!!! People like you really piss me off!” He stepped a little closer to me.
People like me? What does that mean….Women who drive Jeeps? People with glasses? Brunettes? I am starting to get mad and feel a little threatened too, since he’s trying to muscle up on me.
Hate is ugly.
And it’s contagious.
I could feel anger and hate starting to rise up in me to match his. I had every right to be mad, he is threatening me after all, being unreasonable, right?
I could feel the moment balance on a knife’s edge.
But I also knew I could choose between hate and love in that moment.
I had no idea who he was or what was going on in his life. It’s been such a hard few years and we are all under pressure. There is a feeling that the world spinning out of control and it’s getting worse and worse on the daily.
Feeling powerless and afraid makes people angry, and that anger is contagious, like a poison you pass to someone else.
I thought of Eckart Tolle and the pain body and how he observes that most of us learn to ease off the pain by passing it to someone else. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about emotional poison that we release by biting someone else and giving it them.
I looked at his face and could see fear and pain in his eyes, simmer just under the rage. In fact, he didn’t look well. He was red and truly sweating, he looked like a heart attack about to happen. And even though he was getting in my face, I wasn’t afraid of him I was more afraid for him.
It was a choice point for me, an opportunity to put my spiritual beliefs into practice and choose love. In that very moment, I felt all the anger and rage drain out of me and I put my hand on his shoulder.
“Sir, are you ok? I am concerned about you. Do you need to sit down or can I give you a drink of water?”
He looked surprised, his eyes very round and his mouth opening and closing a few times, then he deflated too. We moved our cars out the way and I gave him a bottle of water and a snack (thanks Trader Joe’s…) and we just sat for a few minutes while his color improved. He didn’t want any medical help, but he did relax enough to tell me a little about the stressors in his life.
It was a lot. A job lost due to the pandemic that led to a divorce, financial hardship and family issues. We bonded about both having a son in the military, and by the end of the convo, we were practically crying on each other’s shoulders. I just listened and gave him more snacks. He told me that he has no one to talk to and all that pain and hardship had just been building up inside him and he was really grateful to have someone to talk to.
Eventually we went our separate ways, feeling heart opened and sort of washed clean by our confessions. He shook my hand and even complimented Pearl. Joe from Pawtucket, I hope you are doing ok.
I was (and still am) amazed by the power of love over hate.
I am also deeply touched by the healing capacity of listening and really letting someone tell their story. It’s so rare to really feel seen and heard by someone.
I feel so tender hearted about how difficult it is to be a human right now. Isolation, poverty, depression and anxiety are rampant. It’s easy to feel so disempowered that it brings us to rage.
Or to love, depending on what we choose.
Let’s remember how to listen to each other with care and to respect our differences.
Can we remember to point our justifiable anger in a way that creates change in the world without targeting others and creating more harm?
We can.
Let’s choose love.
