I know I look all sweet and nice and stuff, but really I am pretty evil inside.
Evil? You say? How can she be evil? Look at the cute picture of her and her doggie. Not an evil bone in her body!
It’s true though. I have an evil side to me that I am almost constantly aware of. And nothing it brings it out faster then my own darling children. I have mentioned that I have four teenagers, right? Last night in my house there were seven teens, eating like a hoard of locusts and trashing the house. I felt like Homer Simpson “Urge to kill rising… rising.”
Now they are all great kids mind you. I have two all star, three sport athletes, one boy scout- genius and one charming, charismatic would-be Queen of the Multiverse. All of them honors students, polite to their friends parents, and gorgeous too.
And yet…
And yet, they incite my Inner Evil being to the surface on a daily basis. My Inner Evil looks like Darth Vader. Actually, Vader is not evil enough. He has a good guy side, and after all, he is redeemed in the end. Mine is MORE evil then that. I think it’s more Darth Maul, that guy with the pointy red face and the double sided light saber. He is seriously Bad Ass evil. Like evil with a capital E.
E-V-I-L
Since I have decided that I don’t actually want to go postal on my children, I have decided that the only cure is to try the Jedi School of Parenting.
What? Never heard of it? Of course not, I just made it up.
Since I know that every side of me has an equal and opposite polarity, I call up my inner Jedi Knight to deal with the Inner Evil. When the urge to obliterate my children over takes me, I ask myself what would Obi Wan say?
For example, one of them is having An Attitude. And I don’t just mean a bad day. I mean a six month long Attitude the size of the state of Montana. It alternates between hurricane like hissy fits to The Cold Shoulder From Hell. I am surprised she hasn’t sprained something.
Thirteen is very hard on both sides. I will spare you the gory details, but it does make me wonder how is that ANY of us live to be fourteen! Honestly, your parents deserve a medal for not murdering you in your sleep when you were thirteen and don’t you ever forget it. Each of my kids had a totally unique way to be a total pain in the tukus during this stage though, so I know it well. I am not surprised and in my softer more Zen moments, I think it probably sucks to be thirteen as much as it does to try and parent one.
My Inner Darth Maul says, “Get me my light saber. I think beheading or evisceration will solve this problem.” And there is a lot of evil eye rolling and perhaps a maniacal laugh. “Muuuu ahhhhhh!”
I know that a Light Saber is not actually a great parenting tool and won’t really solve the problem, nor are the 101 snotty things that I can think to say back. I know that these things must be handled carefully. And since I am dedicated to not increasing my karma in the world by harming anyone, there is a choice in front of me.
I can give into anger and take a step onto the Dark Side. And yet, deep in my heart, somewhere behind the layers of irritation, I don’t really want to go there. Evisceration is so messy and I just had the carpets cleaned. And words can cut as deeply as a sword. I know I am responsible for my actions as much as I don’t want to deal with the aftermath of a bloodbath. It’s my job to choose the high road and when I don’t, I pay for it. In so many ways.
I want to choose the Light. So I ask myself, what would Obi Wan do?
“Now then. No Light Saber,” Obi Wan says. He sits in meditation for few minutes and reflects on the fact that there must be a serious design flaw in the Universe which puts a peri-menopausal woman in the same house with four teens going through puberty. And then Obi Wan reminds me of the practice of Tai Chi. Deflect the blow. Side step. I crack a joke and change the subject, while still holding my boundary. Man that is hard to do! Thank the Force for Obi Wan! Now if only I can do it a hundred more times today.
I am here to tell you that EVERYONE has a little evil in them. And the really cracked thing is that we LIKE this part of us. It’s so much fun. Admit it. You enjoy your imaginary homicides. The visualized road rage. You love replaying conversations in your head with a “take that!” ending. You revel in the thought of your nemesis’s inevitable comeuppance at your just hand. Righteous anger rocks! You enjoy every minute of all your vengeful fantasies.
At least you should.
The real danger lies in suppressing the Shadow side of yourself. When you don’t own it, it owns you. It will sneak out sideways and direct your life from your unconscious. You open your mouth and out streams a little bit of evil and you think, “I didn’t mean to say that! Who said that?”
When we suppress our Dark Side it takes us over. We become possessed. I think it’s why we love stories (or at least I do…) about demons, and evil monsters who possess us. That actually happens to us all on a regular basis. And I don’t mean the actual demonic, but rather that we become possessed by our own inner demons who drive us into small acts of evil all the time.
I don’t need to tell you that that never goes well, does it? When we act unconsciously from that dark place inside us, we create harm in the world. We make a big mess and rack up bad karma points for ourselves. We trash our relationships. And we never like the clean up bill when it arrives.
The only way to balance this is to own the Inner Evil. And I don’t mean act on it. Of course not. We acknowledge it, but never act on it. When you see it, own it, talk to it and invite it over for tea and scones, then you can CHOOSE. We don’t stop having this side. Ever. Enlightenment is about continually choosing the light in word and deed.
This is the lesson of the Lower Self. The lower three chakras are the power centers, it’s where your motor is. If you suppress that stuff, you have no power. And these chakras are not big in the moral department. They want what they want, and it’s take no prisoners. The idea is not to suppress, but to purify this energy, to acknowledge it and then to choose.
And here is a really radical concept. Can I actually love the Darth Maul part of me? Love it and honor it for it’s wisdom and power? Maybe. I do kind of like it, as long as it’s not calling the shots. It helps me say NO and not be a doormat. It gives me a backbone and a set of balls (metaphysically speaking). It’s pretty handy to have a kick ass, take no prisoners part of me and I rely on it often.
Lord knows, I get constant practice from my own little Buddha Makers, my darling children. Each interaction a chance to choose again. What would Obi Wan say? I need that as a bumper sticker or maybe a tattoo on my forehead to constantly remind myself that I choose The Light.
The amazing thing about choosing The Light is that when you do, it really can transform The Darkness. And therein lies Peace.
I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!
